Charger Opinion

Domestic goddesses: missing in action

Erin McMillan, Charger Staff

When I was in elementary school, the cafeteria kitchen caught on fire. When I was younger, I managed to ignite a simple pot of water, no exaggeration. Also, in my culinary ignorance, I decided that mixing boiling oil and water would do no harm.  After being set straight on that matter, I, while the spatter scars healed, was left to wonder, " When will June Cleaver rescue me from this domestic purgatory? When will I be  a domestic goddess?" With Martha's impending incarciration and Julia Child's final farewell, it seems that this question will not soon be answered.

There’s Emeril, Martha, The Barefoot Contessa, and even an entire network dedicated to food; so why is that I, in all my wisdom, cannot poach, fry, grill or blanche? The answer is simple: All domestic goddesses are, indeed, missing in action.

The Joy of Cooking, first published in 1931, for years provided inquiring minds with the know-how needed to make peking duck. I myself have never known the pleasure of donning a white apron or shopping for oven mitts that have little dancing pigs on them for the purpose of peking a duck. This is so because the Joy of Cooking has given way to the convience of KFC. Why stuff a chicken yourself when for only $2.99 you can purchase a boneless, skinless, glazed wing of gluttony?

Likewise, Julia Child has been on the airwaves making soufflés rise since before sliced cheese. Unfortunately, with her recent death, this resource of masterpiece entrées is forever gone. Now I have one less opporunity to learn methods of creaming cookie batter. Where else can I go to learn this invaluable information? Where?

In the midst of all of my chef idols dwindling away, the mother of all domestic wisdom is being sent to prison. Martha Stewart could not resist the temptation of insider trading and because of her selfish actions I am left with a huge gap in my life because no one is there to show me how to make Christmas-time wreaths that double as napkin holders.

Life today, with all of its fast food and frozen dinners, is a far cry from the golden times when home cooked meals were in abundance. Where have the pastry queens and the perfect meatloaf dynasties gone? Am I expected to suffer a lifetime of take-out and ravioli because no one will step up to the plate as my recipe role model? This is an outrage, and I, for one, will not shut my pie hole until these domestic divas come out of the woodwork and reassume their positions.